Why Melbourne music sux
No-one's denying that Sydney is full of wankers, Brisbanites are lazy, dishonest and unreliable, Perth bands, remarkably, manage to be pretentious and mediocre at the same time, you just don't admit you're from Adelaide, and no-one gives a fuck about the rest of the country, especially not Tasmania. But the worst place for music in Australia is Melbourne. Everyone knows this, but can you be bothered telling them? No, of course not, and why? Well, you have better things to do, like eating the boils off your dog's arse. Anyway, if you told those sad sack depressives that they sucked, they'd be so hurt, wouldn't they? Because they've spent over a century persuading themselves that they are the cultural centre of the Southern Hemisphere, and one senses that if their little grey ball of rainy day wishfulness is shattered, there will be mass suicides. All the more reason, in our view, to adumbrate the key reasons that Melbourne's music really, really, sucks:
1. It's OK to wear a collared shirt on stage.
2. Sense of humour perceived to be antithetical to the making of serious art.
3. Melbourne: it could almost be Europe! Yet, somehow, it isn't. Aha, I know why! It's because it's on the other side of the world! And there are no kangaroos on the streets of Venice! There are no galahs either.
4. What's happening in Detroit? What's happening in London? Berlin? Tokyo? Hey, we are doing it too, two years later, and that makes us cool! No sell-out!
5. I get on forum site, rave about shitty, boring, generic bands from Melbourne all day long.
6. Nothing important to sing about: therefore, I am dwelling on my complex state of mind. But I am also wearing a beret.
7. I write the history of a style of music invented somewhere else: my Melbourne friends feature prominently as 'key players in the scene'.
8. My entire record collection is composed of white Anglo-Saxon artists, yet I claim to be culturally broad-minded.
9. Jah roots mon! I am a white rasta! Seen?
10. All my lyrics are about how I would rather be somewhere else. Well, so would the rest of us, that's why we haven't moved to Melbourne.
1. It's OK to wear a collared shirt on stage.
2. Sense of humour perceived to be antithetical to the making of serious art.
3. Melbourne: it could almost be Europe! Yet, somehow, it isn't. Aha, I know why! It's because it's on the other side of the world! And there are no kangaroos on the streets of Venice! There are no galahs either.
4. What's happening in Detroit? What's happening in London? Berlin? Tokyo? Hey, we are doing it too, two years later, and that makes us cool! No sell-out!
5. I get on forum site, rave about shitty, boring, generic bands from Melbourne all day long.
6. Nothing important to sing about: therefore, I am dwelling on my complex state of mind. But I am also wearing a beret.
7. I write the history of a style of music invented somewhere else: my Melbourne friends feature prominently as 'key players in the scene'.
8. My entire record collection is composed of white Anglo-Saxon artists, yet I claim to be culturally broad-minded.
9. Jah roots mon! I am a white rasta! Seen?
10. All my lyrics are about how I would rather be somewhere else. Well, so would the rest of us, that's why we haven't moved to Melbourne.
posted by What Are Ya? at 5:19 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home